A few days ago, I heard that my bestest friend, aka my soulmate, has passed away. After an extensive search for a week, the people who are looking for him, concluded that he must be in heaven now. In the stars, or whatever you want to call it.

My. heart. stopped. beating. for. a. split. second.

Panic!

Memories of the last 2,5 years, flooding into my present. Threathening to almost drown me with their intensity.

I. dont. want. to. go. through. this. again.

Not the black hole please, I just came out of it a few months ago. I am finally thriving again. Not now!

I need you still.

You were one of the key figures in my healing process.

I know, I did all of it myself.

But you were essential to me.

Still are.

And you are not here anymore.

I still cannot completely comprehend it.

Cameron.

Grief

2,5 years ago I lost my other best friend to suicide. I saw it coming, for me, that was the worst. No one thought she would do it, but I knew, cuz I had a vision, two weeks before. I  had a vision of her doing it and confronted her with it. She concurred. Not explicitly, but I knew it, I knew she was already with one foot out of this life. I tried convince her to stay, but I also knew her heart. She was my best friend since we were 18. I knew the depth of her feelings. I could relate. But I never went as deep as her.

Except for after her death. After her death I went nearly as deep as her. And it was the most scariest time of my life. Especially because I had to go through it all alone. I never knew grief, I didnt saw it coming. The intensity of it. The heartbreak. The black hole.

Left by certain key figures in my life, I was alone with my daughter, that winter. But Cameron was there. Online yes, but he was. Every night I couldnt sleep, he was there. He talked me through all of it. Suicidal ideation, deep despair. intense crying, rage against people who had left me. All of it. He was there. A lifeline. Really.

Learning from mistakes

Did I had to be all alone that time? I dont know. I didnt knew who I could trust anymore. There was one friend who came to visit me, who told me I could call her anytime and another friend also in another country I could call. Offcourse there were some people at my school. but there was no-one I could go as deep with as with him. There aren’t many people in this world who understand. And who are willing and capable to walk with you through the black hole, the dark forest, the dark night of the soul.

But he was.

And now he is gone.

Last night the intensity came back and I was scared. Alone. At home. No one to talk to. Not him, he would be the one to go to. What should I do? Reach out! And I did. I told myself I am not in the same situation as 2,5 years ago. Because then, I just gave birth to my daughter. I was open and very vulnerable. I lost all the important people in my life in one blow. My ex, my best friend and two other close friends. All of them in one blow.

Selflove is selfcare

But not this time. This is not the same. It is different. I am not the woman I was. I am stronger, smarter, more capable and I learn from my mistakes.

So I reached out. online. on Facebook. And I got what I needed. A shoulder to cry on. A cup of tea. Reassurance. And I will ask for it again and again and again. When I need it. Because I have learnt from past grief, I have learnt a lot these last years.

Because selflove, is selfcare. Selfcare is knowing when to reach out.

Because we are not meant to go through life alone.

I have been the person holding peoples hands a lot of times.

Now it was my  turn.

And I am fucking proud. That I can show my vulnerability, not been sent away for it, shamed for it. No! I am loved.

I love myself and allthough the grief is hard and heartbreaking, I am fine.

And I’ll miss you forever <3