Whenever I have invested a lot of time and energy in something and it ends, I go through a wild range of emotions that often seem very hard to navigate. The question of everyone around me: ” What are you going to do next”? Isn’t really helping with this, but I do realize at the same time, those questions really shouldn’t matter to how I feel. It just adds a bit of pressure to the questions I am already asking myself. What are you going to do next? And why is it so hard to be in the space of not-knowing, resting, emptying? This nothingness feels scary and I immediately try to fill it up with plans, schemes, strategies and what not. What are you going to do with your life Jessica? What?
Aaah! Identifying with being a student was really nice for the past four years. It was simple: I was a mom and a student. And now I am what? A mom. Why do I even care so much about this identity thing? I wonder. Why is it so important for other people? And why is it now important to me? Is it important to me in the first place?
Do we really need to be defined by what we do? Do we need to label who we are? Or can we just be enough by being whatever we feel like in the moment ? I know it’s really hard to say to the world that what you see is what you get. And that it doesn’t matter what I do. Which is in a very stark contrast with the desire to create something beautiful (hello duality!). That desire has always been there and for me it is just my sexuality and creativity wanting to have an outlet. Wanting to flow. But does the form really matter? It actually doesn’t and somehow I forgot that on the way. And I know why.
We all know the famous family get-togethers, where your uncles and aunts want to know what you are doing with your life.. Those were always really awkward to me. But hey, now being older and wiser, I realize they were just interested in me and trying to make conversation. It made me allergic at the time though. Because I have been a freeflow’er most of my life and most people didn’t understand that. I got judged maybe, and was definately judging myself for being different. But trying to force myself to know something that I didnt know, really didnt work for me.
So really, I am quite the expert on being in this state of not knowing, emptying my cup. Waiting for something new to take my interest, something cool to cross my path. But this time around it is definitely more nerve wrecking, as I got two mouths to feed, two souls to nourish and somehow it makes it extra challenging to exercise my trust muscle.
Another part of me is like: Hey! You finally have the chance to do something you really like. Because you got a few months of not having to work your socks off, and now you can actually let things happen TO you, instead of making them happen. The best things that I did in life, where those that actually happened TO me. Because I ALLOWED them to happen. And while writing this, I realize, everything is already happening and it is good.